A year of self destruction flies by. After the weed was all gone and the pills all swallowed a sickening chill slithered down my spine. My head was spinning and sweat poured from my body turning my sheets into a slip'n'slide. Nausea set in and my two days off were spent vomiting into an empty ice cream pail. I begged out loud to no one for the pain to stop. I prayed that someone would put me out of my misery or shove one last pill down my throat; I didn't think I had the will or the courage to go through my self-financially-induced detox dry turkey. I wished for a friend to come in and help me to a cold shower. When nobody came I contemplated picking up my phone and calling my dealer again.
How had I ended up here? When had my love for life expired? Where were all my friends? My faith in God looked like an autumn leaf flattened by countless failed exploits. My tree was dying, and each new season it produced less leaves. New branches were nonexistent. Each one of these succeeding thoughts rattled my throbbing mind faster than the disappearing seconds on a clock.
I woke up from my withdrawal and searched my room for my phone. I looked at the calendar and somehow two days had turned into two weeks. Days passed by like a fleeting childhood memory and my withdrawal made the days spin together like a carousel. Like the colors of a pinwheel, so to were my days spinning aimlessly out of control and running into each other without consequence. Two weeks had turned into six months.
The good news was that I was finally sober, and the days seemed to be getting easier. I thought things were going well. Pulling myself out of bed was still a chore, but accomplishing this made it bearable to drag my feet through the day. I hadn't realized that my total and utter complacency for the world around me was dragging me down further than the drugs were.
Anyone daring enough to look into my scornful eyes for more than a second could have told you that I was a shell of what I used to be. The people that were in my life were frustrated with me, because I hadn't been taking care of myself and the responsibility had fallen on them. I felt so helpless and anyone willing to lend a hand I distanced myself from. My self respect had plummeted. Any passion that was once there had been replaced by resentment and fear. After countless failures I had lost all hope for myself. Each day I looked into the mirror my eyes shifted immediately downward, unwilling to accept who I had become.
I was down and out without a cause or a purpose, and I didn't know where to turn. At first I thought that putting an end to my addiction was the answer, and it helped, but that meant that I would have to deal with the pain inside and I didn't know how to do that. For awhile I tried to put on a brave face and smile my way through the day. I had decided to ignore the aching of my heart by putting it on the back burner, pretending that it didn't exist. I kept this going until one day it became too much. I had let my sorrows grow inside my chest like a malignant tumor; eventually it got so big I believed it to be inoperable; that's when I prayed for a miracle.
I crawled off my hands and knees and into bed. I cried myself to sleep for the first time since I could remember, and for the last time in "my" life I shut my eyes, and dreamt no more.
A wave of tranquility instantly consumed my body and I was gone. Time and space became one and I was everywhere and nowhere all at once. All worry had become nonexistent, doubt had fallen on deaf ears, and fear was never mentioned. Falling deeper and deeper into ecstasy, a calm washed over me and I was suddenly at a stand still.
I wasn't quite sure what I was looking at, but somehow I knew I wasn't dreaming. I was in a park with two waist high fences on either side. The breeze was soothing and the air smelt of spring. The tint in the air was golden. It was as if King Midas, lifting only a finger, had gently touched the air and his golden touch had rippled through the rest of the scene silhouetting all that I saw in a magnificent glow .
A hundred feet in front of where I was standing stood three people with their backs to me. On the right was a tall thin man. He looked strong and an air of confidence flowed from him. He was happier than anyone I had ever seen. To his left and at least three feet shorter than himself was a beautiful child. He was holding the man's hand and tottering happily along. The boy was handsome like his father and his hair perfectly matched the shade of his mother's. On the far left, more beautiful than anything I had ever seen, stood a woman. Her very existence made me blush out of shear admiration. She was tall and let her hair hang loosely down her back. Holding his hand, she too smiled down at her son. The three of them linking hands accentuated the unbreakable bond that they had with one another. This was a family.
I stood there in awe of all that was before me. Very quietly a voice from my side answered all the question that the picture had prompted. "Adam," the voice very gently said. "This is yours. This is your future. The man on the right is who you will become." The words seized me like an asmatic without an inhaler. Though it seemed like I knew what was coming next I was even more astonished by His next proclomation.
"The boy is your child. He will grow and follow your example. You will teach him well and he will love you very much. Do you see your wife?" I wouldn't have been able to answer even if the question wasn't rhetorical. "She has been waiting a very long time for you. She loves you very much Adam. She loved you when you didn't love her. Be good to her. Be a stronghold for her in times of need, and she will be there for you when you need her most."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. What I saw was to come. Purposely there was one question in my mind that hadn't been answered. He was waiting for me to ask. I don't deserve any of this. How could this be for me; after all I've done and all the people I hurt, how was I suppose to accept this?
"Why?" I mouthed with no breathe behind it. My knees felt week; I felt like they were going to buckle, and a pair of invisible hands, one on my chest and the other placed on my back, were not only holding me up, but they seemed to be inside of me massaging my heartache away.
"Why?" I asked again.
"Because you asked for it, because you prayed, because you had faith." And too soon I was gone.
As quickly as the picture had been presented it was morning and my eyes were opened. Rays of light shone through my window. I wasn't sure of the time, but I knew it was early. The house was quiet and still. Getting ready for work was unusually effortless. I followed my usual routine throwing my work clothes into the drier to work out the wrinkles, I ate some breakfast, and then showered. My feet were weightless. Floating down to the laundry room, I dressed myself and then returned to the bathroom to finish up some routine matenance. I finished brushing my teeth and shaving my face.
Routinely, due to my recent history of distane for the person who would look back, I reserved looking at myself in the mirror as the last chore of the morning before going to work. As I raised my eyes the same Voice I had heard, what seemed like seconds before, said, "Everything is going to be ok now." Looking deeper than I had dared to look before, I searched for my soul. I focused. I looked back and forth from one eye to the next. Then I embraced the vision God had just sent me, and tears welled up and rolled over my lids down my cheek. I fell to my knees and humbled myself. Joyfully, I cried and thank God for His mercy and the grace He had bestowed upon me.
It seemed odd to be crying and feel happier than I had ever been in my life. I had always known that God had a plan for me, but it was finally real. Seeing my wife and child changed me. I know my purpose. And I know my reward. I am working, I am striving, and I am waiting for the day we will meet. As long as it takes, I will ready myself for the day I look into your eyes and love you completely. Faith will bring us to be, and love will bring us together. Looking forward to that beautiful day when we walk through the park together.
Forever Betrothed,
Adam Burgess
